I learned long ago that only long term experiences create long lasting changes in behavior. So it’s no surprise that writing, for me, would wane and I would revert back to my quiet ways. I still have plenty of weired, clever and sometimes profound thoughts. But are they really worth documenting? For me, feeding a sense of self-importance is a waste.

I’ll leave this blog on line. Who knows, someone may wander in and profit. Like a note in a bottle washing up on a distant shore. And besides, I’m not paying for the server space.

Regards,

Steve

She had received a mail-in stool sample test kit from our health care provider. After following the instructions and sealing up the return envelope, she noticed there was a place for a return address. She said, “I don’t want this thing coming back to me!”.

Being the ever loving wise ass that I am I said, “Well, write in the name and address of someone you don’t like.” That got her laughing for a good two minutes. That’s a long time to laugh.

Laughter may not keep us healthy, but it’s probably why I’m still married.

Either way, I was wrong. Since childhood I had been led to believe that life gets better. That Society is on a path of enlightenment. Western Civilization is bound to progress. Each generation stands on the shoulders of the previous one. I WAS WRONG.

I realize now, that’s not how life works. The Dark Ages, the Inquisition, slavery, global war, famine, oppression, poverty, intolerance, indifference, prejudice and worst of all, ignorance. All these things are with us today. Just as they have been for centuries. But as a kid, I thought prosperity, opportunity and enlightenment would rule the day. Silly me.

So, what’s so liberating? Now I can observe the world around me and see it’s just business as usual. And not wonder why it all went wrong. On the upside, if you ever wonder what life was like at any time in the past, well, you get the idea.

That’s when I got suspicious. The first rule of being a COM (cranky old man) is “always be suspicious”. (That was also a tenant of the hippie generation). This show was part of a pledge drive. The pledge gifts were all products to improve your brain fitness.

Well listen kids. Brain fitness is not what it seems. Sure it makes you more alert and cheerful. But beware. You start showing up for work bright-eyed and alert and (dare I say it) sharp, your boss will be loading you up with more work. And your co-workers will not hesitate to pawn off their responsibilities on your sorry ass.

If brain fitness becomes a craze, it could become the new drug of choice. And that’s all it is. Brain chemistry. Trust me, stick to the tried and true drugs that have kept us in good stead all these years. Alcohol, caffeine and nicotine. And to twist a phrase from the great philosopher J.G. Wentworth, “It’s your brain. Use it when you want to”.

What’s the connection? Well, perhaps America’s astronomical gun-related murder rate has to do with our obsession with showing our teeth. In the animal world, baring one’s teeth is a sign of aggression. We humans can smile without showing off our teeth. But no, Americans have to bare their pearly whites.

So the next time you are watching the news, notice how many Crest commercials there are. And if you’re looking for an excuse for not going to the dentist, just tell them you are doing your part to lower the crime rate.

Robin Williams; great comedian.

Rachael Rae, Paula Deen, Sandra Lee; Food Network line up.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis; famous comedy team.

Lee Harvey Oswald; famous assassin.

You see where I’m going with this. They only have first names. Is this country ready for Barack Obama? My money is on Ron Paul.

What makes this place special is their cheese burger. It may look weird but it is delicious. That is grated cheese, melted by the steam of shaved ice thrown on the grill and covered with a pot lid.

There is parking for six cars. Only. If you ever go there, park at McDonald’s (it’s within walking distance), select a sacrificial member of your party to go into the Mac place for a cup of coffee. The rest of your party can bring back a Squeeze Burger for the poor sod who drew the short straw.

Anyway, after the burgers (by the way, the fries are awesome too) we went to an ice cream parlor for dessert. While we were there, Number Two Son related a story from his youth. It wasn’t that funny, but we were all in tears laughing. It was like we’d been smoking Thai Stick or something. Must have been something in the burgers.

And the story…in high school my son had to run “The Mile” in P.E. class. He did not want to. So I advised him to tell the coach that running was akin to dancing, which our religion prohibits. See, I told you it wasn’t funny.

Pass the bong.

The theory was that, population growth would exceed agricultural production, resulting in mass famine. It never happened. Some well meaning botanist developed a type of short stalked high yield wheat that would grow almost anywhere.

So, today the World population is nearly 6.8 billion. And if all goes as planned, they/we will succeed in consuming enough petroleum based energy to severely screw up the planet.

I guess the lesson today is, one man really can make a difference. If the aforementioned botanist had not found a way to defuse the Population Bomb, there would be fewer of us to eff up the environment. But I’m sure we would have gotten the job done in the end.

footnote: I hate to sound so pessimistic. The Big Picture does look bleak. All the more reason to seek peace and beauty on the personal scale. Is that sappy or what.

And I’ve never voted for a winning candidate or cause. But this week something special happened. Five minutes after filling out my absentee ballot, the guy I voted for dropped out of the election! I knew he would not win. I was making a statement. But Jeezs Louise, (insert favorite deity here) must be having a good laugh.

Anyway, I paid my dues (and $.54 postage) so now I can ramble on.

Much of the history of the English language is the history of successful invasions of England. And of the co-mingling of two languages, creating a new layer. It’s like an onion or a pearl. One layer built on the previous.

One point the was sort of glossed over, but really struck me, was this. The words we use today that carry the most emotional impact, come from that first layer. They are the one syllable words. Words like stop, kill, eat, hit, go. And all the best profane words are one syllable words. I’ll let you make your own list.

Shakespeare probably knew what he was doing when he wrote, what was to become, the best known quotation in the English language. “To be, or not to be”. All one syllable words making a powerful statement.

footnote: 2BR02B was seen on a personalized license plate. If you read the zero as “naught”, well you get it. It will be fun to see the effect texting has on our language. And during this political season, look for those little words. A good speech writer knew what he was doing when he gave JFK the words “Ask Not”.